But Why?
by Ennon
Summary: AU in which Terri makes a different choice about Rick but will she be able to confront what may have motivated her to be drawn to him in the first place?Story COMPLETE!
1. Default Chapter

"But. ..Why?"

by Ennon

Disclaimer- "Degrassi:The Next Generation" and all its characters are owned by Epitome Pictures and I'm making no profit whatsoever from this fanfic.

A/N- AU that explores what might have happened had Terri made a different choice with Rick and what possibly might have factored in drawing her to him.

Ms. Laura Kwan's Grade Ten class was in the gym and she was ready to mete her assignment to them.

"Rick, you stand behind Terri,"Ms. Kwan ordered.

Rick walked up behind his former girlfriend and stood behind her. Terri gulped, not wanting to disrupt things.

"Don't worry, Terri. I'm not going to let you fall," Rick proclaimed in that soothing voice Terri had heard too many times.

Terri gulped again.. .then took a breath while everyone looked at her. Paige, Spinner, Jimmy and Hazel looked at her with concern.

"I don't think he'd let her fall. Not here," Hazel whispered to Paige.

"Of course not. Too many witnesses," Paige sniffed.

"Terri. .we're waiting!" Ms. Kwan impatiently sighed.

"I'm sorry. I. ..can't!"Terri gulped.

"But this is a trust exercise," Ms. Kwan restated.

"Exactly . .and I can't trust him. ." Terri sighed.

"Terri, . .. Ms. Kwan sniffed.

Paige, Spinner , Jimmy and Hazel craned their necks back to see what was happening.

Terri saw her friends encouraging her then took a deep breath.

" Let someone else catch me then. ."Terri exclaimed.

Ms. Kwan looked at Terri but could see she wasn't backing down. Two seconds later.

"Mark could you get behind Terri. Rick, get behind Alex," Ms. Kwan said while the Rick and Alex made unpleasant but incoherent rumblings about being switched.

Later that day after the last class, Rick approached Terri as they were walking in the main hallway.

"Rick, you heard Terri! Go away and leave her alone!" Paige boiled.

"Please Terri! Give me a chance to **apologize**!"Rick begged.

"It's okay. I might as well give him a chance," Terri sighed.

"It's a trick!" Hazel pleaded.

"Please, Hazel, Paige! You've been great friends to me these past months. I need to do this alone," Terri pleaded.

"Okay, but we'll be waiting for you outside," Paige insisted as she and Hazel walked away.

"I won't be long," Terri called to her friends.

"Thank you so much for giving me this second chance . ." Rick beamed as soon as the others left.

"You said you wanted to apologize. I'd like to hear what you have to say before I make any decisions," Terri replied.

Unseen by either Terri or Rick, Paige and Hazel snuck behind one of the doors to listen to the conversation so they'd have firsthand knowledge of what went down- and could help Terri in case bad things went down.

" I feel terrible about the way I behaved and how I hurt you. It was deplorable and I want the chance to make it up to you. I'm sorry. I've missed you!" Rick exclaimed as he burst into tears.

" I accept your apology but we can't be friends or anything else anymore," Terri replied in a voice of stone.

"How could you be so heartless?! I apologized!" Rick bawled.

" I know, " Terri sighed.

"I've **changed**!" Rick pleaded.

"If you really have, then you can use the fact of losing me to teach you a lesson that some things can't be made right which is why you should never do this to anyone else again,"Terri roboticaly stated.

"But. .." Rick sobbed.

"We can never say one word to each other not required for our classes ever again. I meant what I said in that alley about you never touching me again the last time you hurt me! If you've really changed, use your loss as a lesson. If not, I don't want anything more to do with you. Goodbye, Rick," Terri stoically intoned as Rick ran off to the boys wash room to cry.

"That was so kewl, Terri!" Hazel exclaimed.

"High-five, Hun!" Paige exclaimed as she gave Terri a high-five.

" My brain tells me did the right thing but. .." Terri stated as she burst into tears.

"We'll take you shopping and. .." Hazel pleaded.

"Haze, I don't think that's going to do it. She's in serious meltdown," Paige sighed as she and Hazel hugged their sobbing friend.

"I. .haven't made an appointment," Terri gulped as she finished washing her face in the girls' washroom.

"Hun, trust me. Ms. Sauvé won't bite your head off," Paige encouraged.

At that moment, Ms. Laura Kwan passed them in the hallway.

"Come on. Let's get going!" Paige quietly pleaded.

"Give me a second to pull myself together,"Terri replied as she knocked on Ms. Sauv's door.

"I'll be right outside listening to my MP3 player while you two talk," Paige insisted as she gave Terri a sisterly hug before Terri went inside.

"Thanks, Paige! For everything," Terri exclaimed.

"Terri, won't you come inside? " Ms. Sauvé asked.

"But I don't have an appoi. ." Terri groaned.

"My time's your time,"Ms. Sauvé shrugged.

"So I told Rick I never wanted to talk to him again and that, even though he did apologize, we couldn't be friends ever again,"Terri bawled a few minutes later inside Ms. Sauv's office.

"And you feel you did the right thing?"Ms. Sauvé sympathetically asked( having heard Terri going into detail Rick's past abuse of her).

"My head says yes but my heart feels like I gouged it out and buried it under a landfill," Terri sobbed.

"But. . why?"Ms. Sauvé asked.

"Because I still love him. ..and I'm afraid I always will," Terri cried.

"But. .. why?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

"When he didn't abuse me, he treated me like a queen!" Terri sobbed.

"But don't you think he was just doing that so you'd let your guard down?"Ms. Sauvé asked.

"Yes, in my head I know this but I want to believe he loves me! " Terri bawled.

"Do you think it's possible for someone who really loves you to abuse you?"Ms. Sauvé asked.

"Yes, I do!""Terri sniffed between choking sobs.

"You do?!"Ms. Sauvé asked in astonishment.

"Yes, I do!" Terri cried.

"But. ..why. .?" Ms. Sauvé asked in puzzlement.

"Because the one I loved more than anyone else did!" Terri burst out in racking sobs.

"_Mon Dieu_! Who?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

A/N- Anyone want to make any guesses before the story continues?


	2. Other Side of the Locket

"Other Side of the Locket" (Chapter Two)

by Ennon

Disclaimers: 'Degrassi:The Next Generation' and its characters are owned by Epitome Pictures and not me and I'm making no monies off the following fanfic.

Terri had such an agonizing meltdown that Ms. Sauvé thought it best not to press her further.

"We don't have to talk about these things right now. You can tell me whenever you're ready.Okay?"Ms. Sauvé encouraged.

"Okay," Terri sniffed.

"Perhaps, it might be better for me to ask you how are things now without Rick in your life?"Ms. Sauvé asked.

"I go to school, hang out with friends and see them all pair up and I'm sad I don't have anyone . . ..but I'm relieved that I don't have to measure every word and everything I do that might change everything so abruptly," Terri sighed.

"What's life like at home?"Ms. Sauvé asked.

"Dad does the laundry and cleaning and I cook and we take good care of each other and I know he means well but it's hard to talk to him sometimes,"Terri sniffed.

"Why?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

"He wants to think of me as perfect and an angel- and I'm not like that. I'm not like Mum," Terri sighed.

"Did you tell him about Rick?" Ms. Sauvé asked- setting her pen down.

"I sure did! He treated Rick like the man who was going to make me happy forever and those dinners we three had were some of the best times!" Terri beamed.

"But did you tell him about. .. Rick's abuse?" Ms. Sauvé cautiously asked.

"I . .I couldn't do that. He'd have gotten angry at Rick. ..and disappointed that I couldn't choose better," Terri sighed.

"Do you think your dad would have blamed you for the abuse?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

"I never wanted to take that chance then- or before," Terri groaned.

"Before?" Ms. Sauvé pondered.

" I really must be going and I'm sorry I wasted your time," Terri gulped as she started to get up.

"You didn't! Honestly!"Ms Sauvé pleaded as Terri got up from her seat so abuptly, she knocked over a pile of files from Ms. Sauvés desk.

"Oh, I'm such a clumsy ox!" Terri cried as she got down on her hands and knees to pick up the papers from the floor.

"Really, it's okay! " Ms. Sauvé tried to sooth as suddenly her gold locket swung from inside her blouse to directly in front of Terri's face.

"What a beautiful locket! I don't know why I didn't see it before. May I look at it?"Terri asked- as Ms. Sauvé quickly drew it over her head and handed it to her.

"It's my Grandmother or Mémé Bourgoyne and my grandfather on their wedding day. She wore it every day for over sixty years until the Alzheimer's made it too impossible for her," Ms. Sauvé sighed.

"How sad!" Terri sniffed- as she looked at the rosy cheeked blonde bride in an antique veil and a handsome red haired groom in a stiff collar and tie- both in their teens.

"No. Whenever I wear it, I feel she's with me and she's vibrant again!" Ms. Sauvé beamed.

"I've got a locket,too! My parents on their wedding day!" Terri cooed.

" May I see it?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

"Sure!" Terri enthused as she happily nodded- and took it from beneath her sweater.

"I was hoping you'd let me!" Ms. Sauvé sincerely replied as Terri handed her the locket in question.

"These are my Mum and Dad when they were engaged and Dad gave this to Mum on their wedding day!"Terri happily recalled.

"My! What a handsome couple! Your mother sure was beautiful!" Ms. Sauvé beamed.

"Dad called her his Movie Star. She was always the most beautiful woman in any room she walked into and never failed to turn heads when she passed by," Terri sniffed.

" I can see why!" Ms. Sauvé nodded.

" She was beautiful, poised, confident, intelligent, polished- everything I'm NOT!" Terri recalled as she burst into tears at the end.

"That's not true!"Ms. Sauve gasped.

" It is!" Terri sniffed.

"Where did you get that idea?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

"Um. .. nowhere," Terri stammered.

A/N- Sorry if it's a bit short but the readers need a chance to let things sink in before the big stuff happens! Thanks for the reviews so far.


	3. For Her Own Good

****

"For Her Own Good" (Chapter Three)

by Ennon

Disclaimer:"Degrassi:The Next Generation" and its characters are properties of Epitome Pictures and I'm making no profits whatsoever.

"Okay, what special things did your Mum for you?" Ms. Sauvé asked as she didn't want to lose Terri's confidence.

"Dad worked six days a week in construction so she could stay home with me. Mum sewed my clothes, cooked and baked , and would often take me to the park,"Terri recalled.

Spring,1995

"Come on! It's a beautiful day outside and those steel drums are moving me! Let's dance!" the dark haired, petite and well-proportioned 5'3" 27-year-old Isabel Baird MacGregor beamed- while sitting with Terri and her friends at the park.

"Here? Now?" 7-year-old Terri asked- as her mother climbed atop the picnic table and started to dance.

"Let's show everyone how it's done! "Isabel beamed as she grabbed Terri's hand and helped pull her atop the table.

Isabel did a very fast-paced Scottish reel while Terri barely did a quarter of the pace and was conscious of the crowd stopping to watch while barely able to hold onto Isabel's hand.

"That's amazing, Mrs. MacGregor!" 7-year-old Ashley Kerwin cheered- as Isabel ended the impromptu dance with a pirouette and a set of perfect high kick that extended her tights-clad legs over head.

"Your Mum's totally cool, Terri!"7-year-old Paige Michelchuk exclaimed.

"Thank you, girls! It's what caught Mr. MacGregor's eye back in PEI," Isabel exclaimed.

"She was a Celtic dance soloist!"Terri explained.

"And James was our theatre's carpenter!" Isabel recalled.

"Is that why you married him?" Ashley asked.

"No, it's because I love him, he's honest and he worships the ground I walk upon. What more could a girl ask?" Isabel laughed.

"True that!" Paige laughed.

Spring,2004

"That sounds like you two had fun!" Ms. Sauvé exclaimed.

"Oh we often did!" Terri sighed as she grasped her locket.

"Were there. . other times?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

Spring,1995

"You have such nice friends, Terri! "Isabel exclaimed as they dropped off Paige and Terri later that afternoon

"Yeah, they like you,too!" Terri exclaimed- as she absently put her hand into a large plastic bag and started eating a chocolate chip cookie.

"Terri, what did I say about those cookies? They were supposed to be for tomorrow's church bake sale!"Isabel groaned as she stopped the car.

"I'm sorry, Mum," Terri groaned.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to eat between-meal snacks? You're getting too old for babyfat and ,if you're not careful, you'll grow up to look like a fat cow!" Isabel snapped.

"I'm sorry, Mum," Terri sighed.

" And chocolate stains all over your sweater! That's wool, you know!" Isabel groaned.

"I'm sorry, Mum," Terri groaned.

"Don't look away from me when I'm talking to you!"Isabel snapped.

"I'm sorry, Mum," Terri sighed.

Spring,2004

"She called you fat and a cow?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

"She wanted me to be happy and have all the advantages she had because of her beauty," Terri groaned.

"But that's not how to talk to. .." Ms. Sauvé started to say.

"She only did because she loved me!" Terri sighed.

"Would you talk to someone you love that way?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

"I guess not but. .." Terri sighed.

Spring,1995

"Aw, Terri, your Mum wasn't being mean. She was just teasing you. You know her ways!" 35-year-old James MacGregor shrugged as he Isabel was in the kitchen that evening while Terri came up to in the small living room.

" I guess you're right, Dad,"7-year-old Terri sighed.

"The whole left side of your face is red. What happened?" James asked.

" I . ..ran into the cupboard and the door was open,"Terri sighed.

Spring,2004

"And was the cupboard door open?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

" I think it's getting a bit late," 16-year-old Terri stammered.

"Terri. .." Ms. Sauvé sighed.

"Mum had her moments but she was proud of me! We had some wonderful times together. Those bad times didn't last long," Terri pleaded.

"She was proud?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

"Yes, like when she took me to the bank so she could open her dream dance studio!" Terri beamed.

February, 1997

"You look so good in your Sunday best! Complimenting but not outshining me- as it should be! Those bankers won't know what hit 'em when the Team MacGregor is through!" 29-year-old Isabel beamed and gave 9-year-old Terri a hug and kiss just before entering the bank office.

"Mrs. MacGregor, I presume," the bespeckled 40-year-old Mr. Jorgenson exclaimed.

"Correct!" Isabel beamed as she shook his hand.

"And this must be young Miss MacGregor," Mr. Jorgenson's manager 35-year-old Ms. Lewis added.

"Yes, ma'am!" Terri replied.

"Couldn't get a babysitter?" Ms. Lewis laughed.

"My no! Terri is my partner in this venture and my eventual heiress!" Isabel beamed.

"We're going to open Studio MacGregor!" Terri exclaimed.

" In that case, have some chocolate-chip muffins!"Mr. Jorgenson insisted.

Terri started to reach for one from the tray Ms. Lewis put in her direction.

"No in-between meal snacks for us, thank you!" Isabel scoffed with an edge to her voice.

"How about some to take home for dessert. We can wrap them up to go!"Ms. Lewis asked.

"I'd better not go against Mum," Terri sighed.

"Oh, I'm sure Mrs. MacGregor won't mind herself and her business partner sharing in our bounty!" Mr. Jorgenson exclaimed.

" I guess you're right,"Terri shrugged.

"I can't argue that!" Isabel laughed and put the wrapped muffins in her purse but momentarily shot Terri the evil eye.

"Okay,we need to know what assets you have and why it would benefit our bank to invest in your studio," Ms. Lewis stated.

"I've been dancing all my life and I know I can teach new generations. It's excellent for honing grace and athleticism for both boys and girls!"Isabel beamed.

"But why should we invest our capital in your studio?" Mr. Jorgenson asked.

"Michael Flaherty's ' Riverdance' show has awakened a large segment to the benefits of Celtic dance and that's my speciality but I can dance everything from waltz, square, jitterbug, break, hip-hop. Here's but some of the many awards, commendations and reviews I've received since I was five- and I've brought a highlights video of my best work!" Isabel pleaded.

Mr. Jorgenson and Ms. Lewis looked over the financial charts and whispered to each other.

"Would you two wait outside while we come to a final decision?" Mr. Jorgenson asked.

"Take all the time you need," Isabel exclaimed.

A few minutes later.

"Mrs. MacGregor, you don't own your apartment, the only solid asset you have is your car and you've only tutored dance privately sporadically since your marriage," Ms. Lewis exclaimed.

"But my work is the best!" Isabel sputtered.

"Do you know how many dance studios go under before their first year? You have too few assets for us to join in such a risky venture. Perhaps you could help teach in someone else's dance studio," Mr. Jorgenson suggested.

"Or apply for a government grant," Ms. Lewis added.

" Why should I work for someone else when I know what's best- and I'd be choked on red tape if I applied for a grant!" Isabel boiled.

"Mrs. MacGregor. .." Ms. Lewis tried to add.

"Come along, Terri! We'll go find a more worthy bank to help us!" Isabel boiled as stormed out and grabbed Terri by the hand.

"Stupid small-minded bureaucrats! What did they care about me winning the Grand Prize at Inverness when I was seventeen! I'll bet they never even heard of that town or Scotland itself!" Isabel boiled as the burst out of the bank office and onto the street.

"Mum. ." Terri tried to calm.

"What kind of bank gives muffins but refuses loans to worthy patrons!"Isabel boiled.

"Mum, calm down. It will be okay," Terri pleaded.

" And you! Backtalking and smarting off in there and smarting off so you can get that muffin!"Isabel boiled.

"I'm sorry, Mum!" Terri cried.

"'I'm sorry, Mum'! 'I'm sorry, Mum!'" Isabel scathed as she meanly imitated Terri's voice.

Terri burst into tears.

"Don't look away from me when I'm talking to you! Show some respect!"Isabel boiled as she slapped Terri in the face while they were walking down the outside steps of the building.

Terri grabbed the handrail to steel herself but the handrail was slippery and she lost her balance and fell- twisting her right ankle.

"Oh, Terri! I'm so sorry!" Isabel burst into tears and hugged Terri.

"It's okay, Mum," Terri consoled while Isabel took off Terri's shoe.

"Can you stand on it?" Isabel asked.

" I'm not sure!" Terri gulped.

"We'll get you to the doctor right away! Why do you make me lose my temper like that?" Isabel asked.

"I don't know," Terri sighed.

"Lean on me! We'll get you to First Aid!" Isabel insisted as she hugged Terri again.

"It's okay, Mum," Terri sighed.

"You know I love you and wouldn't want to hurt you!" Isabel cooed as she hugged Terri.

"I know," Terri sighed as she hugged Isabel back.

"I know I lose my temper but I just want you to have the best advantages in life!" Isabel pleaded.

"I know!" Terri cooed while Isabel helped her to get inside the car.

"Now, before we go into the doctor's office what do you say?" Isabel asked.

"That I didn't pay attention to the ice on the railing or steps and I fell entirely on my own," Terri groaned.

"That's my good girl! There are some folks who wouldn't understand and if they heard about us arguing, they'd take you away and our family would be destroyed. You understand?" Isabel cooed.

" I wouldn't want that," Terri cried.

" I know, My Love! A little white lie for your own good" Isabel beamed as she clung to Terri's right hand.

Spring,2004

Ms. Sauvé looked at 16-year-old Terri aghast as she finished that story.

"But Mum loved me! She really did! She was always doing nice things for me. A few spots of temper when I didn't do what she needed didn't take away from that!" Terri cried.

"They didn't?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

"No- and they taped up my ankle and I was able to go to Ashley's Birthday party that Saturday! That's when my life changed forever," Terri bawled.

"What happened?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

"Mum dropped me off and. ." Terri bawled.

"It's okay," Ms. Sauvé sighed.

"I was relieved she decided not to stay at the party! I wouldn't have to watch what I said and did and not be outshone by her. I. ..I wanted her gone," Terri sniffed.

"You did?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

"I know that's terrible but . .." Terri bawled.

"What happened at that party?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

"My ankle wasn't throbbing so badly so I asked Ashley to let me join in playing Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey and I felt safe in that blindfold because I was making everyone else laugh and be happy with the spots I nailed that tail,"Terri sniffed.

"Really?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

"Then I heard Dad's voice- and I was surprised because he usually never picked me up," Terri recalled.

February,1997

"James, come inside! Is something wrong?" Kate Kerwin asked.

"It's . .. Isabel. .." 37-year-old James MacGregor bawled.

"Stop the game! Terri, your father needs you!" Kate insisted.

"But it's still my turn pinning the tail!" 9-year-old Terri begged.

"Terri, have a heart. We can't stay! It's your Mum! She's drowned!" James bawled while a police officer patted him on the shoulder-as Terri took the blindfold off and went to him.

Spring,2004

"Mum adored ice-skating almost as much as dancing and she went to do that after she dropped me off so when she came in for a double-axle landing the pond ice turned out to be rotten and she broke it! She went into hypothermia shock and drowned before anyone could reach her,"Terri bawled.

"Terri do you think. ?"Ms. Sauvé started to ask.

"If my ankle hadn't been injured, she'd have taken me ice-skating and I could have been there with her and pulled her up in time!" Terri bawled.

"You were only nine and it was a terrible accident," Ms. Sauvé pleaded.

"But I could have been there to try!" Terri sniffed.

"Terri," Ms. Sauvé pleaded.

"Oh, I loved her so much- and she loved me! She must have! Oh, God! Rapists and murderers' mothers love them. She has to have loved me! " Terri bawled.

"Maybe in her way. ." Ms. Sauvé cautiously added.

"There's so much I've wanted to tell her all these years but I don't have any choice but to have her gone forever! So many things I've wanted the two of us to get resolved. So many times I've literally ached from not being able to see or hear her again!" Terri sobbed.

"I hate to ask you this but. . .have you ever levelled with your dad about. . .what she did?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

"He was lost without her just like me and how could I have been so cruel to have said anything like that to hurt him. He loved her so much. He always felt as though he wasn't worthy of her,"Terri bawled.

"Does that remind you of anyone else?" Ms. Sauvé ventured.

"I've tried to reach her in so many ways like the tarot and the Ouiji board but they just were farces and. ..I've wanted to rewrite history so I've. ." Terri sniffed.

"Made her into a saint?" Ms. Sauvé asked.

"And dated a boy so much like HER! RICK! How could I have been so stupid?!" Terri bawled.

"You weren't but by recognizing that you need to make less self-destructive choices for your future, that's a positive step," Ms. Sauvé implored.

"And I think I CAN make more positive choices!" Terri beamed while wiping her eyes and hugging Ms. Sauvé

The next afternoon, Mr. James MacGregor went with Terri to see Ms. Sauvé and they gently let him know what had happened.

"Oh, my girl! I'm sorry I didn't listen to you back then . .but I guess I didn't want to hear. If only I had, maybe you'd have been more willing to come to me when you needed help later on with Rick," 46-year-old James MacGregor exclaimed.

"Dad, it's okay. And I want you to know that I've never minded you meeting new dates. I want you to be happy. It's time for us to remember that good but learn the lessons from the bad," Terri implored.

"She's grown so much!" James MacGregor exclaimed.

"I've still got a ways to go!" Terri laughed.

"We both do, my girl!" James exclaimed.

The road ahead for both MacGregors wouldn't be entirely smooth but they 'd each make their journeys with a steady pace from this point onward. Ms. Sauvé was glad to be able to help prevent Terri to do what was necessary from becoming another grim statistic.

A/N-Thanks to all reviews! Anonymous (whoever you are), you got it right! Since Terri's always putting down her weight and has serious insecurities, I thought it possible these may have been set in motion by her late mother instead of her father because the latter kept trying to give her confidence but Terri refused to believe him- and the portrait of the late Mrs. MacGregor showed a very beautiful woman. I wrote this AU in large part because I very much dislike what 'Degrassi:TNG' did with the outcome after Terri had cut off Rick the first time.


End file.
